Current mood:

ship without an anchor

after an evening of caffeine induced vomiting...
Today has been quite the day. And by today I mean the time that I have been awake: really more like 2 and quickly approaching 3 days now.

I finished my essay and my paintings. The paintings actually did REALLY WELL in crit today and even Andy Spence complimented me! That was a high point in my life right there.
I had more caffeine than I've ever had before in one day (not true but my tolerance has gone down since I left dunkies and I also didn't eat all day until just before I began puking). I also had my first heart to heart with Nick Nolte. He's a good guy to have around, but not much of a conversationalist. But my own personal House Chair came and remedied that situation. I have rehydrated and will be good to go once I get some sleep, but sleep is not coming so easily just now so I figured livejournal was a good waste of my time.

So, all of this chaos has left me a little emotional. Ok. Maybe it wasn't all the chaos, maybe it was that I just found out dad moved out and ma stole 25 grand endangering my ability to pay my tuition and go to school here. I am also feeling like I don't have anything solid in my life right now. I don't have any person that I know will ALWAYS be there.

Fuck. Dad doesn't have room for me. I'm on my own now and I am terrified. I had just assumed that when I wanted to leave home for good I would be getting married or something. Now I am just generally emotional. I'm glad Dad has someone else to love but I just wish we could keep the house and I would have somewhere I could feel like I always had a place.

I am also freaking out that someday I will graduate Bennington. That is going to ruin everything. This school is now the only home I can lay claim to, and in less than 2 years I'm going to loose that. I wish someone would just grab me by the hand and say "stick with me kid," like in the movies and I wouldn't have to worry about my future anymore.
My FWTs also fell through. I'm fucked. Over long weekend I'll write my resume and cover letter and maybe go to Las Vegas with Kristen and her Mom for lack of a better option. I have no viable plans for after graduation. I wish I could make some contacts over my FWTs but I keep waiting until the last minute and picking a job based on my social needs and where I can afford to live.

There is nothing I dislike more than being emotionally needy and unsure about things. I wish I was able to make my own plans and just go out and do things all on my own. I mean, I could, but I don't think I would be happy. I am not making sense. I just wish that I could be happy alone and wouldn't have to worry.

I have friends and family and I love them but I can't live with them. I have to make my own new family and that isn't easy without another person.

This rant must end. Goodnight.