read this

song stuck in my head for DAYS.

2006-05-04T15:48:57Z

U2 LYRICS

"Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own"

Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've still got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

scrappyfemme @ 2006-01-24T14:22:00

2006-01-24T19:24:28Z

There has got to be a way to delete this pile of angsty crap other than going through and deleting them all individually. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I don't really have enough time to waste doing this right now. Maybe later.

FWT is going well. I like working alone. And I also like snow. But soon I will kill people.

my own private investigator

2005-11-02T06:14:16Z

in the aftermath of halloween weekend, the most disturbing and confusing thing I have found in my room (thus far) is someone else's hair in my fish tank. more disturbing is the fact that I cannot figure out whose hair it is.

oh noes

2005-10-26T02:06:39Z

It is now mid-term. Here's my progress so far:

I got back a paper that I did well on, but will re-write anyways because I am obsessed with Doug Bauer and want him to think I am smart.

The dining hall has lost all its allure and upon entering, at any given meal time, I immediately desire to erase all memory of the over-ripe produce and deftly thawed frozen goods they are serving.

I've had 3 sucessful parties and made out with at least 2 new people, and possibly a few more that I do not remember.

I just went to VAPA at 9:30 pm and decided it was too early for homework.

I had my first good painting crit with Andy Spence. (fuck yeah)

And now I am scrambling to find an FWT.

Now, as a junior, I am certain why spring term is better than fall term. It is because of FWT.

7 weeks or however long to go. I can only imagine what the second half of term has in store for me.

after an evening of caffeine induced vomiting...

2005-10-21T06:43:01Z

Today has been quite the day. And by today I mean the time that I have been awake: really more like 2 and quickly approaching 3 days now.

I finished my essay and my paintings. The paintings actually did REALLY WELL in crit today and even Andy Spence complimented me! That was a high point in my life right there.
I had more caffeine than I've ever had before in one day (not true but my tolerance has gone down since I left dunkies and I also didn't eat all day until just before I began puking). I also had my first heart to heart with Nick Nolte. He's a good guy to have around, but not much of a conversationalist. But my own personal House Chair came and remedied that situation. I have rehydrated and will be good to go once I get some sleep, but sleep is not coming so easily just now so I figured livejournal was a good waste of my time.

So, all of this chaos has left me a little emotional. Ok. Maybe it wasn't all the chaos, maybe it was that I just found out dad moved out and ma stole 25 grand endangering my ability to pay my tuition and go to school here. I am also feeling like I don't have anything solid in my life right now. I don't have any person that I know will ALWAYS be there.

Fuck. Dad doesn't have room for me. I'm on my own now and I am terrified. I had just assumed that when I wanted to leave home for good I would be getting married or something. Now I am just generally emotional. I'm glad Dad has someone else to love but I just wish we could keep the house and I would have somewhere I could feel like I always had a place.

I am also freaking out that someday I will graduate Bennington. That is going to ruin everything. This school is now the only home I can lay claim to, and in less than 2 years I'm going to loose that. I wish someone would just grab me by the hand and say "stick with me kid," like in the movies and I wouldn't have to worry about my future anymore.
My FWTs also fell through. I'm fucked. Over long weekend I'll write my resume and cover letter and maybe go to Las Vegas with Kristen and her Mom for lack of a better option. I have no viable plans for after graduation. I wish I could make some contacts over my FWTs but I keep waiting until the last minute and picking a job based on my social needs and where I can afford to live.

There is nothing I dislike more than being emotionally needy and unsure about things. I wish I was able to make my own plans and just go out and do things all on my own. I mean, I could, but I don't think I would be happy. I am not making sense. I just wish that I could be happy alone and wouldn't have to worry.

I have friends and family and I love them but I can't live with them. I have to make my own new family and that isn't easy without another person.

This rant must end. Goodnight.

whoa bitches

2005-10-15T22:13:57Z

Nemesis

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

everyone needs to take this quiz!

oh god yes

2005-10-13T22:08:34Z

Prepare yourselves for DELIVERANCE

Friday

you know where

fuck yeah

2005-10-04T06:28:12Z

You are the the Swedish Chef.
You are a talented individual, nobody understands
you. Perhaps it's because you talk funny.

FAVORITE EXPRESSION:
"Brk! Brk! Brk!"
HOBBIES:
Kokin' der yummee-yummers

FAVORITE MOVIE:
"Wild Strawberries...and Creme"

LAST BOOK READ:
"Der Swedish Chef Kokin' Bokin'"

QUOTE:
"Vergoofin der flicke stoobin mit der brk-brk
yubetcha!"

What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

strange affections

2005-09-27T16:46:00Z

Max has been incredibly affectionate lately. Strangely affectionate. I woke up to Max stepping on my head, subsequently falling on my head, and then turning around to ram me in the face with his nose. Then the alarm went off. I reset it for an hour later and got back into bed. I was laying on my side all curled up in my comforter and then Max decided he wanted to sleep ON me. So he precariously perched himself on top of my shoulder/armpit. It was an act of incredible balance and he remained there until the alarm went off again and got pissed at me for moving him.

I could shit kittens...

2005-09-26T03:22:40Z

Big news from Dad. holy crap. Possibly the moment we've all been waiting for.
I don't know if I can post it here, but this is big.

I think I'll have to go to Boston for this one.

oh my

2005-09-19T20:41:00Z

the mind wanders

2005-09-19T20:29:13Z

Sometimes you just have to wonder whether the actions you are taking at present to achieve some impossible dream are going to screw you over and make it impossible for you to be happy in the future.

... and there goes Trent past my window with a metal object attached to what can only be described as a mini-parachute.

train of thought:derailed.

exciting short trip

2005-09-19T00:33:45Z

Today is sunday. Coffee hour this week will be done Team Alcohol White Trash Style. Featuring KFC chicken, bbq chips, kool aide, and PBR. After all the business is taken care of our house activity will be Mud Wrestling.

In other news I got Max and brought him up to school.

I was also pulled over for speeding but got off with a warning b/c the cop was really nice and in a good mood and noticed the police sticker Dad put on my car.

Good day all around really.

miraculous recovery

2005-09-18T05:49:36Z

When my hangover left this morning my stomach flu went with it.

The whole stigmata thing seems to have cleared up as well.

And well, that whole Nick Nolte thing was obviously just a fever induced halucination.

Thanks for the well wishes and such.

ewww

2005-09-16T18:13:04Z

I have stomach flu...

(and stigmata...

(and I'm carrying Nick Nolte's cocaine infused lovechild)).

I feel like hell.

busy busy busy

2005-09-08T17:42:52Z

I am hoping I get into a normal groove soon. I'm feeling a little stressed having to run around and get everything going. My "to do" list is huge. I am also trekking home for a day this weekend to pick up Max and get Ariel to her photo shoot.
I can't believe I've already been here for a week! So rushed!
I'm a little bummed that I can't just relax and lounge all weekend but I have Monday off and will utilize the shit out of that.
I also may switch a class if anyone cares to know. Mostly because I need at least 4 hours of Jon Isherwood per week to be a happy individual (also, I don't like drawing).

back at school, day 4?

2005-09-05T01:31:09Z

Certain facts have become apparent since my arrival back at school:

sculpture is better than painting because working with metal and heavy dangerous shit turns me on.

more is more when it comes to alcohol.

variety is the spice of life. always. except for when speaking about dining hall food.

if a burger is soggy and grey when it was cooked on a grill with real flames, something is wrong with that burger.

when you think you are getting a sweet deal, you must be prepared for a little surprise later (in the form of the fucking drummer in the living room. kill. kill. kill.)

sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder. but if you didn't like a person to start with you still aint gonna be thrilled to see them.

if you want the house to let you be loud when you want, you have to deal with other people's noise when you don't want.

FIN.

sweet

2005-09-04T03:36:02Z

back at school.
day 3.

skills learned:
killing spiders with windex
and fireplace tools
the art of distraction
verbal improv bullshit
feining ignorance/disinterest
and something else that i forgot

explaination of all this to follow.
maybe.

oh, i remembered:
dramatic use of periods after incomplete sentences,
or phrases if you will.

thinkin'...

2005-08-21T03:16:44Z

I am contemplating the fact that I keep getting very set in my ways and very comfortable in my life and then have to change.

Is the answer to not get as comfortable, or to just get more adaptable?

I know the answer. I just don't like it.

Also, I don't like goodbyes.

mmmmm, toasty

2005-08-20T22:21:35Z

I've put off the road trip for a week.

In the meantime I'm soaking up the sun at Auntie's. Tomorrow is going to be the best tanning weather all week! I'm getting up early. (I may be slightly addicted.) Cleaning out my closet and packing my stuff back up for school. This summer I was smart and kept most of my stuff in the boxes.

on a personal note...

2005-08-16T22:50:52Z

I'm concerned about the fact that the patch of hair the waxing lady took off might not grow back. It's been almost 2 weeks! It looks awful, I mean come on. Backwards Brazilian. That works for no one.

Also, I just had a terrible hot pepper experience. I had no idea that if the juice from tomatillos is on your hands, and you then scratch your crotch that it will create a very intense burning sensation.

Learn from my misfortune, people.

DOUBLE-D DAY

2005-08-15T10:05:42Z

no, I'm not getting breast implants. But it is my last day at Dunkin Donuts (thus the double D reference). I'm going in early and late all at the same time. Late because I'm on sandwiches and don't have to be there until 7, and early because I'm going to be in at 6:30 to make a little extra cash, get everything set up at a leisurely pace, and chill with my coworkers a bit while its slow.

Yesterday I went in 2 hours later than normal because I told the boss I was sicker that I was (I was sick and I think that justifies it) and then went out to breakfast with Dad and Meaghan. The food wasn't good but the company was. I'm sick of Bickford's. Their food tastes like Bennington dining hall food, and they use frozen pancakes I think.

Anyways, in the past few weeks my coworkers have become increasingly affectionate. I'll give you some numbers to demonstrate:
rough hugs: 3
nice hugs: 5
prolonged holding: 1
battery of my breast region: 4 by 2 different people
back rubs: 7
cuddles: 3
group hugs: 1
drunk hugs: 2 or 3
kisses: 2
insinuations that I'm sexy: 2
wishes that they were gay for me: 1
offers to engage in a threesome: 1
marriage proposals: 1

Needless to say my ego is huge right now.
Wow. 30 minutes to work.
And just 6 hours 'till the final cocktail hour.

after all...

2005-08-12T23:14:27Z

Somedays you realize that you are lucky to have problems, crosses to bear, and strained relationships. Sometimes you look at the guy on the other side of the coffee counter and realize that you are the closest thing he has to family and it makes you cry. Somehow you find a family, that just seems to gather around you, not joined by blood, or law, or any entity other than love and you just have to thank God that you found it.
I have finally realized how much I love my job, or rather, a few of my coworkers, and have gotten to a place where I feel like my summer was well-spent after all.

noooooooo mooooooooore wooooooork pleeeeeeeease

2005-08-11T09:42:47Z

10 minutes before work.

I believe I am allergic to Dunkin Donuts. The minute I put the uniform on I feel queasy and kind of like I'm going to die. Ok. That may be an exaggeration.

But I do wake up in the throes of a panic attack every morning before work, picturing the angry customers, the tension, the nit picking criticism at every turn, and the extreme fast pace that never satisfies the higher ups. "Why didn't you do that faster?" "I made that iced coffee in under 15 seconds." "yeah. Why not in ten?" "I am not God."

Fuck. 5 minutes.

Ma was smoking in the bathroom again. I think I'm going to be sick. If I wait and get sick at work maybe I can go home. YES. THERE's AN IDEA. I doubt they would let me though. I would have to get really dramatic and throw up on the floor. If the customers saw that they would have to let me leave. It may be a bit far fetched but this idea is way better than cutting a finger off in the bagel slicer.

Fuck. I should go.

Sunday, bloody Sunday

2005-08-07T12:42:16Z

Sunday. Today I find out my hours for the next week. I'm anxious to see how many days off I'll be given, and I am flat out refusing to fill in anyone else's shifts. I can't do it. I'm getting physically ill from this.

I got a sweet 8 hours last night, but I'm about to go to work for 9. Still, it could be good if today is the start of my weekend. Lord knows I have to maintain this tan.

Wow. I really cannot believe the summer is almost over. I feel like all I did was work. And sure I've got a pile of cash but was it worth it? I didn't do any painting and I really should have. I should have spent more time with people too.

But my road trip is going to be awesome and relaxing. Just me and the open road. Nobody to answer to. Hell, yeah.

9 minutes until I have to go. Focus. It's only 9 hours. 8 minutes. Just a quick nine hours. The first three or four go really quickly and its been so busy lately that it will probably be dead today, it is a Sunday, people only want donuts in the morning on Sunday. 6pm 6pm 6pm. Money. 7 minutes. This could be the start of the weekend. Nice shower after work. Food that isn't Dunkies. 6 minutes. Maybe I'll get fired today. Maybe the boss has seen me give shit away and undercharge for things. 5 minutes. It goes by fast. It goes by fast. No need to get upset, its only nine hours to freedom. Better than 12 and you do that all the time. 4 minutes. 9 hours is a piece of cake. The summer is almost over. This is your second to last Sunday. 3 minutes. Alright I have to go now.